Let’s talk about “the
ring”. No I don’t mean the engagement
ring. That little “bauble” is left up to
the bride, the groom, and their bank account.
I am talking about the ring that counts; the wedding ring. So what are the traditions concerning this
ring?
First of all, we
have to start at the beginning. Do we
need a wedding ring at all? As far as
Jewish law is concerned, no we do not need a ring, per se,
for the ceremony and therefore the marriage to be valid.
Three conditions
must be satisfied in order to consider a couple married according to Jewish
law: Shtar: a written agreement, Be’ah:
consummation of the marriage and Kesef: an item that is worth
more than a pruta (lowest valued coin) must be given to the bride by the groom.
Shtar is the
Ketuvah. You can read more about Ketuvot
and find my English translation of the ketuva in my article "The Jewish Marriage Contract in all its beauty"
Be’ah, well I think most couples get
that one right. So what is left?
Kesef, an item worth more than the
lowest valued coin. Why demand such a
negligible value for this item? Firstly
so that anyone could get married.
The cost of the item, which for generations is a ring, should
not be so exorbitant that it would prevent a wedding from taking place. Ok, today we have plenty of other factors
that can threaten a wedding, but the
true essence of a valid wedding is met with just these three conditions and two witnesses, not related to either of the happy couple, to
witness a range of events that occur throughout the ceremony.
You may have
noticed that this short list does not include a Rabbi, a chuppah,
guests, caterers, florists, band or any of the army of wedding providers we
cannot live without today. And you are right!
You can hold a
Jewish wedding ANYWHERE; in a living room, on a boat, a roof top or a restaurant.
Jewish weddings have been held in ghettos, DP camps and forests. Interestingly, it is considered especially auspicious to
hold a Jewish wedding ceremony at night under the stars (I’ll be talking about
this in a separate blog article in the near future). You have to keep in mind that it is the
bride and groom who make the wedding, not the band, the photographer, a four-thousand dollar gown, six
hundred white roses or a five-course meal.
However, a ring is the most
recognizable symbol of marriage for centuries. Archeologists have found wedding rings from 7th
century Byzantium and the practice of giving rings seems to have caught on in
ancient Babylonia as well. Rings were
also part of the greater gentile custom of exchanging wedding gifts and goods
to help ensure the couple’s initial economic stability. Other societies gave
and still give bracelets and toe rings, instead of wedding rings for fingers, during wedding ceremonies.
Throughout the
centuries, within Judaism itself, jewelry of all types was given during the
betrothal and marriage ceremonies. Interestingly, these two ceremonies were actally performed as one ceremony in ancient times.
A perfect example
of the giving of jewelry for a betrothal/marriage is described in the Torah when Avraham sent his servant Eliezer to find a bride for his son Yitzhak and
provided Eliezer with what seems to be an impressive amount of jewelry and precious
items to “seal the deal”. This collection
included nose rings, bracelets and the like in gold and silver.
From Bereshit Perek
24:
נֶזֶם זָהָב,
בֶּקַע מִשְׁקָלוֹ, וּשְׁנֵי צְמִידִים עַל יָדֶיהָ, עֲשָׂרָה זָהָב מִשְׁקָלָם
Back to our
wedding ceremony and the wedding ring.
The ring must be a simple, smooth (without a noticeable beginning or end) ring, without stones or cutouts. Usually
the ring is round, but I have seen square-shaped rings, which are kosher,
as long as they fulfil all the other conditions.
The ring can be of
any metal. I read that another reason
for the ring to be plain and unadorned is so that it cannot be over-valued or
made to look more expensive than it is really worth, in order to prevent someone
from marrying a person under a false pretense or inducement of wealth.
Additionally, the groom must own
the ring; that is, he must have bought the ring with his own money. I will assume that a ring that the groom inherited,
must be legally considered his own property, in order to be able to use it
halachickly. Usually under the chuppah, the Rabbi will ask the groom if he did indeed buy the ring and if it
is indeed worth more than a pruta. This
second question usually causes a bit of nervous laughter on the side of the
bride and her family and is usually followed by a whispered comment such as “it better be…”.
Two witnesses are
then called upon to “inspect” the ring, to ensure that is of one piece and that
it is indeed worth more than a pruta.
Once this is done
the groom will then recite:
הרי את
מקודשת לי בטבעת זו כדת משה וישראל
Behold, you are consecrated to me with this
ring according to the law of Moses and Israel.
The two
witnesses also watch as the groom clearly places the ring on the bride’s right
index finger.
Before I
discuss the bride’s hands, I would like to talk for just a moment about another
custom regarding the ring and the bride.
I have heard that the witnesses must watch the bride accept the ring, by extending her hand and allowing the groom to place the ring on
her finger.
I have also
read that the bride should lift her veil as she does this, so that she can
CLEARLY SEE the ring being placed on her finger and that she clearly accepts
this marriage. I like that!
There is
another minhag that the bride should wear no jewellery under the chuppah, so
that when she wears her wedding ring for the first time, it is the most
important and only piece of jewellery she is wearing. Usually the bride will remove her jewellery
right after the badekin and give it into the care of a trusted friend and then
put it back on after the ceremony, usually in the yehud room.
The idea of
an exchange of rings is not a Jewish tradition.
If a couple wants the groom to wear a ring as well, the bride can place
the ring on the groom’s finger when and where she pleases. Some do it under the chuppah, others do it in
the yechud room and so on.
So back to
our bride and her right index finger.
The groom places the wedding ring on her right index finger. The bride should not wear gloves or any other
impediment, but have the ring placed directly on her finger.
There are
all kinds of opinions, beliefs and theories behind wearing the wedding ring on
either the right hand or the left hand. These philosophies run the gamut from the left
ring finger being associated with the heart to the right index finger
being the most active finger and therefore the act of marriage
should be signified by the right index finger.
As the ring
has been sized to the bride’s left ring finger, the ring may not fit as
well as it will on the right index finger. The bride can move the ring to her left ring
finger at the end of the chuppah, during yechud or whenever it is convenient
for her.
There is a minhag that I heard
from my mother-in-law z”l, that the bride should put her wedding ring back on the right
index finger during each of their sheva brachot celebrations as well.
In all cases, the wedding ring
has become an important part of the Jewish Wedding ceremony. Mazal Tov!
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