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"A tale of one bride and two bouquets or How could 20 flowers and some ribbon weigh two hundred pounds? "

If I said it once, I said it a thousand times and no doubt will be repeating this for the next fifty years. NO BRIDE NEEDS A BRIDAL BOUQUET. This little 'tradition' no doubt was started by florists looking for yet another way to milk brides of more money.


Flowers are lovely in fields and on shabbas tables (unless you have cats, small children or clumsy husbands, but that's another story). Let me explain. That lovely bunch of flowers, tried with ribbon, weighs only a few hundred grams, tops. They look lovely as they leave the florist. They are then handed to the smiling bride. She is thrilled. They are the 'perfect' addition to her gown. They will look fantastic in the wedding pictures. They will add the finishing touches to her outfit. This will be the perfect Kodak moment.


Then, magically, the bouquet begins to grow heavy. They begin to bloat like they're suffering from PMS. And our bride has better things to do then schlep them around with her or even hold them while she is greeting her guests. On one hand, she 'cannot' set them down anywhere because they'll 'get ruined' and on the other hand, she somehow continues to believe that they add to her 'bridal look'.


And so the bridal bouquet 'hot potato' game begins. At first the mother of the bride holds this little ball of joy. The flowers are then passed around to the bride's entourage in order of importance (beginning with best-best friends and from there on to good friends and then on to well-meaning friends the bride hasn't seen since high school). From there they bounce (sometimes literally) to aunts, cousins and even grandmothers/great-grandmothers; who may hold them the longest, if they are not moving around too much (if you know what I mean). Amazingly this bouquet, that at the beginning of the day was held as if it were a day-old baby, held delicately and lovingly, can now be passed around like an old volley ball.


Once the hot potato game is over (in the recorded history of brides and bridal bouquets, no one individual has ever been known to hold these lovelies throughout an the entire reception – including the badekin), bouquets traditionally find their way from behind the bride's back in the bridal chair to somewhere around her feet.


Now, just to make my point a little clearer: Once the badekin is over, the bride is then escorted down to the chuppah by her parents or the mothers, usually SANS the flowers, as (you guessed it) they were forgotten on the bridal chair.


Once the chuppah is over and the happy couple is off to the yichud room, the bouquet finds its way to heaven along with single socks, library books and every pen you have ever bought. No one remembers the bouquet or cares.


If you still insist on spending this money. Call your favorite florist; get a quote for a bridal bouquet (code for spending too much money for some twenty flowers) and then donate that sum to tzedakah. Or order a floral display for a hospital ward or old age home.


Now ask me: "one bride and two bouquets"? My daughter's wedding was held in the south (home of my son-in-law), but the wedding gown was rented in a salon in Netanya. On the day of the wedding, she dressed at the salon in 'north', while her father and I were already in the south (near the hall) preparing for the ceremony. My only-daughter calls us in the early afternoon of the wedding distraught, she is on her way to the salon and (gasp!) does not have a bouquet. The all consuming importance of ordering a bunch these allergy-ridden weeds was forgotten by all. The frantic call came at around two in the afternoon and her father and I found ourselves frantically running around Ashkelon looking for a flower shop that is a) open and b) willing to sell us a no-doubt overpriced bridal bouquet of anything that even vaguely resembles flowers.

We found a shop willing to help us part with several hundred shekels for my daughter's happiness. They were willing to create a bouquet on the spot (you usually need to order these pollen-holders days in advance, go figure).


Successful in our mission, we brought this ball of the bees' best friends to the hall and what do we find out? The salon provided our daughter (unbeknownst to her) with a bridal bouquet as part of their package deal. And so now, my dear daughter was the proud owner of, not one, but two bouquets. Let me tell you, it's a good thing she has a lot of friends, it's not easy to have two bouquets passed around for the two-hour reception!


And as a fitting and final tribute to this bridal vegetation tale: the bouquet we bought was a ball of white and purple flowers. In the wedding pictures, the bouquet looked like a very feminine basket ball. In fact, the first time we saw the shots, we really thought that she was holding a ball and could not figure out where she got it and why was she holding it.


So just repeat after me: "I will not buy a bridal bouquet. I do not need a bridal bouquet. I will not buy a bridal bouquet. I do not need..."

The Perfect Tichel Hair Cut

Ever ask yourself what is the perfect hair cut to comfortably wear a tichel or hat?


Simple! A modified Pageboy style, ending at the nape of the neck with either a blunt cut across from ear-to-ear (no hair showing from beneath a tichel or a hat) or showing at the nape of the neck with a row or two of hair, in a medium to long length (to be shown beneath a tichel or a hat).

This style can also be further modified for thick hair, by thinning out the hair (usually in the back of the head) from the crown to the nape and then leaving a row (a few narrow rows) of hair at the nape to show out (if you wish).


Now ask why? The Pageboy hair cut is a simple cut (with many variations*) straight across from ear-to-ear. I modify this to be tapered downwards at the back of the head (from crown to nape) to conform to the head – making it more comfortable to wear under a tichel or hat.


• I keep the hair length to under the ear lobe, so that the hair can be tucked behind the ear.


• This style can be worn with or without bangs, depending on your preference; your forehead and how you wish to wear your tichel or hat.


• Thick hair can be thinned so that the hair lies more comfortably on the head.


• To give some height on the top of your head when wearing a wider, wrap/tie-around 'Israeli' tichel, you can gather your hair into a high/medium high ponytail with a cloth scrunchy (or California) and then wrap your tichel and tie it around your head as you wish.


The final few rows of hair at the nape can be cut short to conform to the style or left at a longer length to show out of the tichel or hat.


You now also add more interest by coloring your hair - either the whole head (which is a no brainer) or just the bottom rows with a splash of color – usually a contrasting shade or highlights.


* The pageboy cut has a million variations: straight cut from ear to ear – above or below the ear; short at nape and getting progressively longer as it reaches the chin; or getting progressively longer from the chin as it reaches the nape; with or without bangs, straight, curly and on and on. Also the cut can be tapered down the back of the head (longer on top) from crown to nape or tapered up in the back of the head (longer on bottom) from nape to crown.

Are you really too busy for your own wedding? Part IIIb – Selecting Vendors – The Band

This is the fourth in a series of articles on planning your own wedding and preventing yourself from falling into the trap of thinking you don’t have the time to do so.


In Part I, I talked about the Venue and in Part II, the Budget; in the first installment of Part III I discussed selecting the photographer. Now I would like to tackle the Band.


Now in this article I will not discuss DJs as I do not understand them and have never worked with any. I believe that a wedding should have a band. The number of band members and types of instruments played depends on the number of wedding participants, wedding style and so on.


The band, that is the music the band creates, is the very backbone of the wedding. After the photographer, they are the most important vender you will deal with. How you handle them, what information you offer them and how much 'artistic freedom' you give them, will determine how 'frelech' - lively – your wedding will be.


Bands that really are not from hell and other stories


Let me start with a story – my daughter got married three years ago. Since high school she knew that she would use a specific band. The members of this band had been the subject of one of her films she made in media class (she majored in media in high school). At that time, they were a young, struggling band just starting out and after seeing the finished film they promised to play at her wedding. By the time she actually needed them for her wedding they were an established band and a "reasonably expensive" band, at that. Remembering their promise, they gave her a 'good price' and they were hired.


Everything was set for my daughter's wedding and then my daughter's almost-mother-in-law (let's call her "O") had an opportunity to hear this band at a wedding she attended about two months prior to our children's planned wedding. "O" hated them and became nearly hysterical when she realized that this band, this 'horrible' band, was set to play at our children's wedding. We all tried to reassure her that the band was wonderful, but she had witnessed the band herself and she was not happy (to say the least!).


Needless to say, we did not cancel the band (we had heard them at other weddings). They played at my daughter's wedding and they were WONDERFUL and "O" loved them!


What happened? We asked the band. They told us that at the wedding in question, they were told to play specific music and songs. They did not have freedom to play more lively music or play according to the mood (or help improve the mood) of the wedding party. When I say "help improve the mood", I mean pick up the beat or get the 'audience' up and dancing when they are not as lively as they 'should be'.


At my daughter's wedding they had freedom to play as they wished. Of course, prior to the wedding, the couple talked to the band and reviewed the 'rules of thumb' of when to play soft music, when to play lively music and everything in between, but nothing more. The band understood the personality of the wedding party and seamlessly answered the needs. Obviously "O" loved them and we all lived happily ever after.


Be nice to your band


Bands are as individual as weddings. Most bands are capable of playing a wide range of songs, in a wide range of languages and styles.


There are quite a number of bands, catering to the religious crowd, that will not play at a wedding that does not have a me'chetza (physical separation between women and men dancing) throughout the wedding.


Once again, determine what is your wedding style and level of religiosity.


As always, ask your friends who have recently married to recommend bands. You can check out the individual music videos found on many band web sites; but seeing the band perform LIVE is believing.


Give the band a list of songs that you are interested in hearing for the reception, bedaken, procession to the chuppah and then for the first dance after the yichud room. If you have special requests of songs in French, Russian, Arabic, etc., make sure your band is capable of delivering what you want. Every band (or nearly every band) will say they can sing in 50 languages and 500 styles – make sure this is true. But allow the band the room and 'artistic freedom' to play according to the audience. Your band should be flexible, happy and really "into" the wedding.


More stories – more lessons


Another story: I recently witnessed a wedding where the band – actually individual band members – nearly missed the bedaken and then in order to get closer to the kallah and chatan during this ceremony, actually pushed people out of the way. They should have been waiting next to the kallah or accompanying the chatan, as soon as the chatan finished with the Rabbi and/or as soon as the chatan began walking towards the kallah. This is not brain surgery. Professionals (bands, photographers, etc) should know how a wedding proceeds and to anticipate the time table involved.


Having said this; make sure your band is aware of your basic scheduling and make sure you tell them what and where you expect them to be at the most important junctures of the wedding.


One more story: I attended a wedding where the band did not play at all from the end of the chuppah/accompanying the couple to the yichud room and until the kallah and chatan came out of the yichud room, which was exactly one hour on the clock. The only sound heard in the hall was the sound of happy people happily eating. There is no excuse for this silence. The band should have played throughout. At the very least there should have been recorded music played at this time.


Throughout the entire four to five hours of a wedding, there should never be 'musical silence'. Firstly because a wedding must have music (unless you ascribe to the custom of playing no music at the chuppah itself, which is another story), secondly because you are paying for their musical entertainment throughout the event and thirdly, well there must be a thirdly, but the first two are really good enough.


What to expect/what to discuss with your perspective bands


Planning from beginning to end:


• The band should arrive about an hour-hour and a half prior to the reception time to set up sound and the like.  Keep this in mind when you do your over-all wedding schedule.


• The band should know the basic route of the kallah and chatan from the bedeken and through to the end of yichud.


• Make sure you know how many hours of playing are included in their basic fee.


• Make sure you provide the band with a list of preferred songs for the important moments.


• Make sure the band knows that there must be music throughout the event – I never thought I would have to write this – but there is always a first time for everything and you do not want your wedding to be the 'second time'.


• Find out what is their over-time fee, should you need it.


• Tell them about special events you would like to celebrate along with your celebration. I know this is a wedding, but grandma's 80th birthday should be mentioned.


• Tell them about any planned flash dancing or skits and the like and provide them – in advance – with music files (.wav and the like) should you wish to use them as 'backup' music.


I strongly believe that your band is only as good as you allow them to be. So find a band that 'makes you sing', make sure you cross every T and dot every I and then put on your dancing shoes and enjoy the ride.